I was feeling emo when the clock hit 12 am, sad that life can be such an uphill climb. I was thinking to myself... perhaps I'll sacrifice quality of life for an easier time in my career. Who cares about making a lot of money. I never loved money that much in the first place. I don't need name brands or to eat out so much (bad for health). I don't need a huge house (will take forever to clean anyway). I am quite capable of living simply and humbly. In fact, that is more environmentally friendly.
This half a year has chipped at my resilience, motivation, self confidence and ambition. When I was in co-op in Canada, I felt encouraged, and uplifted because I knew what I was doing and everyone else acknowledged that I knew what I was doing. I thought I would be able to accomplish so much in the future. But even back then, I've always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that some day the top will topple, or the coin will fall off the table, or the ground will break under my feet (or some other lame analogy). Life can't possibly be that smooth. Eventually I will fall into a hole. I mean, everyone falls into a hole at some point in their life. They go into the wrong field, the wrong job, which theoretically should have been perfect for them (or was perfect for them at the time) and later realize that wait a minute...it's totally opposite of what they were meant to do. Yet, switching out is difficult and risky. What if that's already the best option out there? My friends my understand but how can I explain to my parents?
I haven't quite fallen into said hole, but I feel like I'm close to the edge these days. I wonder if something will sweep me in, or if something will plunk me completely out of the situation.
And miraculously, something DID come my way (ie a random job offer without my applying for the same job description) that can potentially plunk me out of the situation due to different surroundings. But it takes a choice, and it may not be the best one either, considering how similar the job descriptions are. I'm at career crossroads. I have options. Yet I don't know what's best, and my intuition isn't telling me much, except that it will probably be a difficult end of the year. I pray that God will give me peace no matter what happens and the wisdom to discern the good path from the bad.
PIMPLE is a store apparently.
"sweet but greesy, fragrant but charred, crisp and tasty"
hey cherry, i just wanted to say : be strong...you'll come out of this rut eventually. i've been through it too. it feels like shit for a while, but you come out with a whole new perspective and much stronger than before.
ReplyDeleteyou know how some ppl say like this right here is some sort of transition phase and that we'll settle in soon? i feel like...it's always been a transition phase and it always will be, so u just gotta sit back and enjoy the ride, u know? things will be constantly changing, so just....go with the flow. don't worry about it so much.
no matter what happens, you'll be alive, better off than 90% of the world's population, clothed, fed, sheltered, and have friends and family that love you. so yeah, no worries amigo!
btw, love the nails!!!!!!!
thanks for your note of encouragement. I'm feeling a bit better these days, when I found out that it's not just me being upset (ie not just me experiencing problems at work). I'm just scared sometimes, and feel like a lone person in a tundra fighting polar bears.
ReplyDeleteTotally. We will never really end the 'transition phase'. After we have a job, we'll start transitioning into marriages, and potentially marriages with kids. It just never ends.
I read a Harvard study about how the happiest people are in the midst of having sex (they did this iphone poll), followed by things like reading or listening to music. The key was focus. The more the mind wanders from what they are doing, the less unhappy they become. Even if they are thinking happy thoughts, mind wandering makes one less happy. So maybe instead of thinking all the time, wondering how life should be lived, I should just as you said go with the flow and actually live it!
hehe ~ I love doing my nails. but it was such a waste... I'm horribly sloppy at stuff like this, so after just 4 days they started to look flaky, and I washed it off, including the pretty hearts and crosses.
Hey Cherry,
ReplyDeleteHope you've been feeling better these past few days. I wish we could have another gathering over bubble tea or food like in the old days just to rant about life.
This might sound crazy but I think it's good for you to be going through this now as opposed to 5-10 years later when you realize you're stuck in a soul-sucking career.
It's super cliche but like they say, life's all about the journey. The destination is usually anti-climactic but it's all the things we experience and the people that we meet along the way that make it worthwhile. Take the time to reflect not only on the things that make you unhappy but also the things that make you happy. Like nanting says, you have your health, your youth, friends, a great relationship and a family that loves you. These things might seem obvious but we often take it for granted. (you'll really appreciate this when you work with elderly people where nothing's functioning properly)
If you think that what you're doing now isn't right for you, then talk to your parents about it. Even if they're upset about it initially, I think they'll stand by you (and frankly I think they'd be more upset that you're upset).
Hope you feel better soon and keep us posted on how things are going! Sorry again for the late b-day wishes.
Btw, excellent colour choice on the nails!
Thanks a lot for your message. Yeah, I have it easy compared to some people, but I guess it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don't even know what exactly it is that I hate so much--the waking up early every single day, the kind of stuff I do (my personality as far as I know is not suitable for admin work), the lack of friends in the workplace, no windows in my office, moody boss, or what.) The thought of becoming a housewife, and holding some little part time job somewhere is becoming increasingly appealing (ah, like a high paying teacher for an 'english speaking playgroup' which is so popular in hk these days).
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is the result of being sheltered all my life, so I run at the first signs of hardship.