Waking up at ungodly hours with too much on the brain

Where is this post going today? I have no idea. I don’t know how many times it’s been since I’ve sat in front of my computer (which by the way, is connected to an extremely crappy ISP) wondering what to say. I’m feeling out of sorts as of late and having great difficulty identifying the reason. Or reasons.

Normally, I’d make a list of potential stressors in my life, but I’m not feeling too normal. But I’m going to do it anyway because as Issue Number Two will reveal, I'm at odds with myself.

One. I don’t follow a to-do list anymore. Yes, out of all the changes that’s been happening in my life, somehow this particular one is really freaking me out. I’m a list-person. I cannot operate or be an effective human being without one. Ah but cherry, what happened to ‘living in the moment’ you touted as THE way of life one post ago? I think I gave up on that. ‘Live in the moment’ for far too long, and you start accumulating a boatload of stuff on your to-do list (which I apparently threw away). No, that’s a lie. It’s still there, rotting somewhere like a half eaten sandwich in some dark closet at the back of my mind.

Two. Identity crisis of some sort? It’s retarded, but when new people in my life starts commenting on my personality, I’m surprised at what I hear. There is a word in Chinese expressing “at odds with oneself.” I feel like that nowadays. I'm apparently “ambitious”. I know I’m all about power and world domination, but I have no desire to be a “lui keung yun” (a Chinese term describing a woman who’s super independent, driven, career savvy who’s typically in business). Yay, I’m a bunch of contradictions.

Three. I feel inadequate. I lack a lot of knowledge. There’s so much I don’t know, especially about HK, and I know I want to work for the HK government. Oh and my Chinese needs a lot of work.

Four. Career. Direction… You know… the shizazz. (I’m not forming complete sentences anymore). But in terms of my current job, it’s like akin to a bad relationship. I want to leave but can’t because every time I feel down, my manager pulls me into a room and tells me I don’t have to actually do anything; just be my smart self, provide ideas and take care of her new recruits (message filtered through cherry's interpretation). And she just gave me a raise. I’m still not being paid all that much, but hey, this is progress and I’m a sucker for things like Progress.
PROGRESSSS. I love the sound of that.

Five. I have no more excuse. If it's reading I have to do, guitar I need to practice, watercolours I need to pick up again, everything's across the ocean.

Six. Men. But that is a distant six. For now, they are entertainment. Or so I hope.

Hey... I feel so much better now. And I’m still thinking in English. : )

Living in the moment

I am obsessed with to-do lists. It's like my comfort, an assurance that I'm being a productive and effective person.

But some time after landing in this hot and smoggy place, I stopped living out of an agenda. I just stopped caring whether or not I'm hitting my personal benchmarks. I got sick of planning. And my scribbles were illegible anyway. So screw that.

So what if I wasn't reading as much as I should be? Or eating out too much? Or not paying attention to the job market? Or being more serious at work? Or reviewing biochemistry because I'm feeling the stuff leak out already?

Meh.

Anyway, I finally have a home and it would be my last move. And I have my piano back. I don't realize how much I need the piano until it was gone. It's true. You don't realize what you have until you lose it.

I'm just living each day as it comes; it moves way too fast for me to reflect on it.

Views from windows:







It'll take awhile to excavate everything...

HK style barbeque. It looks fun, but it's not. It's hot as hell cuz you're right over the smoke and rising heat, and I gave up early in the process.

Pass the memu!

Random cosplayer on the subway, the day before a WEEK LONG anime convention. Anime cons are HUGE events in HK.

The most complicated instructions I have ever seen in the washroom:

Spot The Difference

The theme of today's post is "spot the difference". Some "dieting" tips from a magazine. Look at the before and after pictures. Feel free to click the below pictures to enlarge if necessary.



Apparently this technique, which I think helped someone lose 2.8 cm is featured in a book? (Again, limited knowledge of chinese.) Maybe I should cover up the Before and After and ask you to guess which is which...

From skinny to ... also very skinny!

Cute stickers that my student is getting. *I* never got stickers as cute as these before.

"Umbrella > ula" vending machine!
New heart-shaped coaster I crocheted.


Uploaded on facebook, but worth posting here again. Get your logitech cooling pad now... it's recommended by GOD.
*wail*

Typhoon 8 on a saturday night/sunday morning. Why can't it be Monday, so I don't have to go to work? Or any other day of the week is fine too. Just not through my precious weekend...

=___=

However, I am definitely happier this week. There's so much I want to say but I don't want to blab about my workplace and about people I know publicly... so I'll be vague and say that I understand my ambiguous, disorganized, constantly shifting workplace a bit more (and have determined to put some systems in place to give it some order) and that my colleagues are hilarious and we have a lot of fun laughing at each other.

I also look forward to my new home in 13 days.

Layers

My friend has auto-complete on her phone and she was trying to type "mango" but the phone (which she got in HK) only has 'manho'. LOL LOL

Okay, on a more serious note...

Recent conversations have caused me to reflect on the show we sometimes put on in our early twenties for our parents and peers. "I'm happy, I'm in great social relationships, my career is taking off, I know where I'm going and I have a 10 year plan to show for it." Often it's true, but sometimes it's a lie when life throws you a curve ball, or some fundamental truth you've been holding onto is proven otherwise. We doubt our dreams when are left hanging in the middle of nowhere after graduation. We are forced to re-evaluate ourselves and our relationships.

And we don't admit that we sometimes don't have it all together because we get told, 'you're armed with everything you need to get out there', or 'be grateful you're young to enjoy life' or 'there's so much beyond the horizon'. But how do we get from here to the horizon? What IS the horizon? There are many choices but the choices are almost overwhelming. Or maybe there isn't as many choices as we would have liked.

Cuz the real world isn't friendly. And we want to slink back into the safety of school, carefree living habits and familiar goals. Who needs to think about Finance, Career and Marriage?

This is just a general 'theory' I came up with recently.



For me personally... I admit that I've been in a mad hurry, quickly spreading my roots and tentatively adhering to everything I touched--school, work, church, activities, people. Maybe I wanted to assure my parents and friends, or maybe myself too, that I'll be okay.

I'm not miserable or anything. Just beyond my daily happiness, there is an ebbing feeling deep down that knows I'm not THERE yet.


Random stray orange cat. (Again, why are most cats I see in HK orange?)

This is SOOO CUTE~!!!! (and has nothing to do with this post)

Feeling Guilty Over Down Time

I did absolutely nothing productive today. It's an uneasy feeling.

At the back of my mind, I think there's something important that I should be doing, except I'm not sure what, and staring at my to-do list isn't make me feel any better. I don't even have the urge to make to-do/goal lists; I used to be obsessed with them.

In any case, my mind is not at peace.

Maybe that's why I love stuffing my schedule to the brim, because it helps me get over the negative feelings of not being efficient/productive/maxing out all the resources I have. But I forgot that "change" is emotional stress that I should account for, and leave 'room' for it to avoid overshooting out of my buffer zone. I'd like to compare this to a titration.


I feel guilty for wanting easy times, because I have a dream, and to get to it, there's bound to be hard work involved. There's no way I can let myself take the 'easy way' out.

However, I'm moving into my new place, so that's a positive change. I want my boxes of STUFF!!!

On a random note, they can choose the sex of mammals now. "Chinese scientists have claimed a commercial breakthrough after breeding 10 piglets whose sex was successfully selected before conception, heralding potential higher profits for farmers."


Picture Roll of the Week

Cap to prevent shampoo from getting into your eyes.


The "Modern Toilet" is a restaurant. You sit on toilets (not shown here)
Humidity is often at 80%...

Random newpaper article...

I love the gloominess, emptiness and loneliness of this picture for some odd reason!
That sign reads "Time to be more chocolate!"

Yum green tea muffin with red bean! It's actually REALLY GOOD!

Buffet! + Strange commodities

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be...


Ah, there's a description... or something like that...

Cake bath time? Again, description... but I'm still not sure what it's supposed to accomplish.

His pain is your gain, it says.

Explanation:

Some ice cube trays...



Very cute...
Cell phone holders:



Row upon row of green tea inspired food products.

Are these tissues supposed to be special?

Food cushion.
Food inspired bath products. It says "Bath Sauce".

Food Inspired Bath Products continued... These are body sponges.

BUFFET PICTURES!

Starting with ... ice cream... haagen daaz!

More dessert...
Waffles!
Chocolate fountain!

Sushi!

Seafood!

I've been sending a lot of distress/depressing signals lately in this blog and on facebook lately. So, for this post, I just put up a bunch of strange HK commodity + food pictures! Very cheerful.

Nothing else I'd like to report...